The conundrum part 1 – New beginnings

on January 25th, 2017 | Filed under The Conundrum - A Love Story

Rebirth turns out to be as traumatic and extraordinary as we are told the original was. Some sequels are better than the original. Ask Max. The life I had led up to that moment turned out to have been largely a mystery to me. My history is confused. The vows I made to my friends, my family and my principles appeared to have melted like blue ice hit by sunshine. The snowflakes all became avalanches at once. I was subsumed.  I have finally stepped back from the cliffs and prayed to a silent god for forgiveness. I am sorry.

The reason, it turns out, why I had been protecting myself and those around me so intensely and so diligently was that  I had become the focus of a series of projections based on the signals I had given off, almost magically, since I was a child. I had been both bad and good, loving and selfish, kind and cruel in equal measure. My intent was largely pure and noble, but that’s hardly a defence to having unintentionally hurt good people. Lush can mean whatever you want it to, it is hardly a richer sound than ‘Oh’.

I may never have woken from my semi-conscious reverie had I not run, in desperation, to the city I know best, to try to find comfort in the smiles of friends old and new.  I half knew, as I stumbled toward the capitol, weighed down with my own inadequacies, that the playboy I had come to dine with would leave me abandoned to my fate. He was nothing if not consistent. Nonetheless he gifted me an opportunity so extraordinary that I wouldn’t change a moment even if time was amenable to my shrieks.

Let me be honest, I had no idea whether my lunch date would be a pleasant or a taxing experience. I find it difficult to make small talk with the established and the exciting. I find myself looking over shoulders and into doorways. It is a kind of insecurity. However, given my mood and the abiding feeling that I may not have too many more trips to town to look forward to, I was grateful for the distraction. I had no idea that every button would be pressed and every waking alarm would sound  from the moment a clearly privileged person braved the cold London air to be escorted by what can best be described as a man drowning in a public swimming pool.

I suspect an acquaintance predicted I would fall down a rabbit hole in the least likely place to find a warren. I fell, and the bump was so great that I know I can never climb back. Unlike Alice, I saw the two bottles and drained them both in a single draft. I’m now a regular sized man sitting at the bottom of a rabbit hole dreaming of a fawn.

It is a long established tradition for story tellers to begin at the beginning. I tried it. Didn’t make a terribly proper job of it. I can only say that my story begins either at the middle or near the end; that is for the fates to decide. I have spent a lifetime thinking I’d done as well as I could. I’ve had remarkable friends take  care of me when I fell. I still have. If I could find a way to express the gratitude I feel to them I would. I can still picture lying in the sunshine while Gary dug with bare feet in the hard earth  and Wilbur saved me from myself. If I had had it in me to follow signs with anything like the accuracy my friends suspected I wouldn’t be here drinking and smoking and wishing for a miracle. I appreciate the gods have decreed that mine must not be a tragic tale or a lyrical howl. A secret benefactor is probably already holding his head in his hands, and for him I must write my way to something better than self-pity and verbosity.

My story starts and ends in the centre of the Universe. I hope that it is a series of novels rather than a single chapter. If it is then God has smiled on me and the scientists can continue to play catch up. Even if it ends here I can assure you it was a glorious romance and entirely worth living through…tbc

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One Response to “The conundrum part 1 – New beginnings”

  1. Willson, LL.B says:

    Whilst no longer a twitterer can still search and find, so good to see and read that you are back and showing flashes of that good sense of humour, Meanwhile, no doubt Charlotte Church, amongst others, will be heartened to find that @screwlabour appears to have regained his twittering mojo; must admit that twitter search reveals that the usual suspects and “nuisances” are still singing the same tired old songs; forget Corbyn get a true blue life, he ain’t ever going to be elected PM. Hope that you will be glued to the TV screen during the 6 Nations, Jamie; I fancy Ireland, if they can repeat Chicago Field a few times. Hope that Italy are competitive too. Out of interest, I have “confessed” to playing at lock forward, what position did the younger JF play?

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